KIM FARRAR

1.)  When you land at the Cincinnati airport you're really in northern Kentucky.   


2.)  You must answer "Bengals" when the man in the Avis exit booth asks, "Bengals or Browns?" Otherwise, he might delay for a good thirty seconds pushing the button that raises the traffic arm. Take a right.   

 
3.)  Follow the signs for I-275 to I-75. You will have to drive about thirty minutes until you cross the Ohio River on a double-decker rusted bridge that has a name no one uses. It's just The Bridge as opposed to The Yellow Bridge or The-Bridge-that-Goes-to-Newport.    

 
4.)  Just before launching onto the artery that feeds The Bridge there is a long, swooping bend known in local folklore as Deadman's Curve. The warning sign shows a box truck speeding downhill with its back wheels bucking. On the narrow shoulder any blown rubber tread or glittering safety glass is ominous, both past and future. I never knew anyone who wrecked on that curve but right out of high school a drunk driver killed Benny three minutes away from his new apartment. 


5.)  You will come around Deadman's Curve like a sling shot and straight ahead erupts the Cincinnati skyline. You can't type 'Skyline' without thinking 'Skyline Chili'¾that glistening no-grade beef floating in a sweet cinnamony sauce. It's nasty, but somehow seems like an appetizing idea at two in the morning. Whenever I tell someone in New York City that I'm originally from Cincinnati, they'll mention Skyline Chili. I remain silent, conflicted between my hometown's ignoble claim to fame and loyalty. 

 
6.)  Follow the signs for 71 North. 71 and 75 split at end of The Bridge. Stay in the two right lanes because the two left lanes head toward Dayton. That way you'll drive past a massive fiberglass Jesus with outstretched arms and a billboard of a woman kneeling with shackled wrists that proclaims you are hell bound for your lustful ways. The pornographic and violent picture makes one think. Two seconds before, bondage had been the last thing on your mind. You may have been noticing the blinking red light atop the Eiffel Tower at Kings Island amusement park and wondering why replicas are depressing. So, stay true to the two right lanes. 


7.)  Go past The Great American Ball Park that was paid for after a few years of voting against the school levy and for the new stadium. The Reds and the Bengals—creating family bonds that survive abuse, neglect, cruelty, betrayal, alcoholism, incest, and secrecy. Go, Bengals! 


8.)  Go through the tunnel, and when you come out the other end, on the left there will be an immediate drop in per-capita income. You will see corroded apartment buildings with plywood over the street level windows. On the right, the Natural History Museum sits perched atop a high hill. (Inside is a wonderous faux cave, complete with blind, albino fish.)  Behind that is Mt. Adams, once a destitute Appalachian slum with stilted houses slipping down the hillside into the river. Now they are million-dollar town homes with original details. Boutiques that sell handcrafted stash boxes from Indonesia long ago replaced the shops that sold crusty cheeses and bargain candies. The tall thin houses offer a lot of vertical distance between the basement where kids can screw and the third floor where parents chain smoke. 


9.)  Once under the rusting M.L.K. pedestrian bridge, the next exits are Smith-Edwards Road, Dana Avenue, Kennedy, and, finally, you hit Montgomery Road. Take a left at the end of the ramp. Across from the light is a dilapidated Quality Inn that used to have a seafood restaurant called Dockside. The fried shrimp smell did not wash out of the polyester sailor uniforms and the buffet table was laden with chicken livers. Your hungover waitress was likely nauseous and overheated. 


10.)  Take a right on Montgomery. Go past the dive bar where the windows are blacked-out with tar paper. (It's open on Thanksgiving when you may need to process your mother's tips on how to grow out your Astor Barber buzz cut.)  Go past the gun shop, the florist, and take another right on Indian Mound. The road is gashed with potholes. When the Ford factory closed twenty-seven years ago, they took their tax base with them. In some Faustian political bargain, Norwood is still ineligible for city road repair dollars. But never fear, it's passable. 

 
11.)  Take a left on Parmalee at the top of the mound where two beautifully patinated water towers, sea-foam green, stand sentry behind a church that looks like a regular house.   


12.)  Take a quick right on Wakefield Place. Park your car. You have arrived at my mother's house. Take a few deep breaths to remind yourself you're happy with the choices you've made because she will begin by asking, "When are you coming home?"